One of the most hollow feelings as a person is to be forgotten by those that claim to love you. However, this past year I have learned that is not the most hollow feeling. One of the most gut wrenching and hollow feelings I have experienced is seeing your children being forgotten by family. I am not talking about extended family such as great aunts and uncles. No, it is seeing your children being forgotten by your siblings and your spouses' siblings. Seeing your amazing kids forgotten by those that you made a point of remembering in the past. I have cried myself sick and drank myself sick this past year over this. As an adult, I can cope and deal with being forgotten by the charlatans that proclaim loudly what great family they are, how caring they are, and how unselfish they are. These are the same people that have no use for me when I serve no purpose in their schemes. But, this past year has had me witness the apathy that others have for me be reflected in how the do not interact with my children. I guess that since I am not in their thoughts or register on any level of significance my children do not exist. It cause me great heartache. I have no explanations for my kids except some adults are poopheads. I saw my son's heart break and shatter into pieces this weekend because he noticed those that don't notice him. All I could do is remind him of how amazing he is and that those that truly care about him, remembered him. Those people were here for him, even if they could not physically be here (damn flu and traveling sports (I kid there)). They remembered him.
This past weekend I told a family member, someone of my blood, that I divorce myself from them. It stings like hell. It is an open and gaping wound. It is going to scar my soul. I saw no other option. I still see no other option. It was like the story of the Ice Queen and the glass/ice shards, but I would not let those shards penetrate my children. Those shards have frozen my heart to this person. I am numb. I am not apathetic though. The opposite of love is apathy. The ability to not care. That is what has been shown to myself and my children. However, I still feel the pain of caring. There are days that I wish that I had the apathy. But, I know that will never come. Apathy is like a disease. It is not isolated to one person or one topic. It is all consuming and will eat your soul. I can not afford that disease. So, I divorced myself from someone that I have loved for as long as I can remember. I divorced someone that was at one time my best friend. I divorced myself from their apathy.
But, in the same breath, i was reminded over and over and over and over and over and over again by my sisters here in Butte, my other mom's here in Butte, and my own biological mother that I matter. That my children matter. That my husband matters. It doesn't depend on your age, we all want and need to know that we mean something to others and to those we love. We matter. We are cared for. I thank God for those that care for me and my children.
By the end of the weekend I still hurt. I bawled last night. But, I got up this morning knowing that my children are loved and so am I. Heartbreaks come in many different shapes and sizes and forms. Heartbreak can come from those that we have loved since childhood. But, I hold fast to the knowledge that I matter to someone. I am not forgotten. I am not invisible. I may never be visible to the one that I divorced, but there are others out there that give enough damn to see my children and myself. I just hope those amazing people know how visible they are to me and how much they mean to me. Those amazing sisters, moms, and husband matter to me and my children.
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