I am not THAT kind of Mom

Over the last seven years and half, I have had to acknowledge and embrace my human nature and where I fail.  Why seven and half years?  What changed then?  Well, an amazing little girl was brought into this world after 28 hours of labor.  I did not get to hear her first cries or see her take her first breath.  I was unconscious.  Emergency C-sections happen that way.  I used to count that as my first failure to her.  I wasn’t there for her when she took her first breath in the cold, bright, harsh world.  I did not get to hold her and reassure her.  Two hours after her birth, I finally was awake enough to hold her.  I refused to let her go.  The nurses had to pry her from me when they had to go do check her over again because of the stress we both endured the last two hours of the labor.  I cried in joy every time I held her for the first two weeks after she was born.  I finally let go of that “failure” when I moved onto the next one.

Nineteen months later that amazing little girl was joined by a screaming red faced little boy.  Another “failure” here was I panicked.  I did NOT want to have a little boy.  I wanted two little girls.  Boys were alien to me.  I grew up with a sister and mostly girl cousins.  I KNEW that I was not going to have any idea how to handle a boy.  Then I held him.  None of the doubts mattered anymore.  This was my little boy.  Then he peed on me.  We were back to not understanding boys.  I am learning though.  He is a GREAT teacher.

Over the last almost eight years, those failures have been many and sometimes make me wonder “Who in the hell let me be a parent?”  However, some of those “failures” have made for great stories and growing experiences.

I am human.  I curse like a sailor.  I occasionally drink too much wine.  I am short tempered.  As I get older, I do not suffer fools.  I am selfish.  I am addicted to coffee.  Did I mention I curse like a sailor?

Both kids have learned their first “bad” words from Mama (as I am called).  They have busted them out at the most inopportune times (or most memorable).  Shit!  That is my FAVORITE cuss word.  It has many uses.  I am sure my kids know most of their uses and how to use it properly in almost all situations.  In fact, they have on occasion.  

By now, you may be wondering what I am getting at.  We as parents are always going to have failures.  We are human.  But, one thing I have learned this past six months, I cannot truly fail my children as long as I love them and give them my best.  My best may not be stellar and it is never award winning.  I am often frizzled.  I will never be one of those moms that has all her shit together.  I am ok with that.  My kids still get my best and they know without a doubt that they are my priority.  They KNOW that I love them to the moon and back.  They know that they are the greatest gifts God has and will ever give me.  I have quit comparing myself to the other mothers out there.  I don’t want to be super mom.  I just want to be Mom.

Every day, I tell my children sorry for something I have FUBAR’ed.  EVERYDAY!  The words “I’m so sorry” are not foreign to me and my children are used to hearing it from me.  I hope that by hearing me say those words to them, they do not see failure as a sign of weakness.  I hope they see it as part of being human.  They do not see the stumbles, trips, and falls they take as failure, but a chance to grow and learn.  I know that because they forgive me and let me grow every day, they have made me a better person.