What was that little white pill, again?

I have an addictive personality.  This does not mean that I am addicitve.  No, it means that I have urges everyday to give in to my demons and wallow in the booze or the pain pills.  So, imagine my joy after undergoing oral surgery that one of the pain pills is Vicodin.  That lovely little white pill that could take me to a happy place.  Have I taken the Vicodin since the surgery?  You bet I have.  I also have taken Advil 800.  Do I like taking the Vicodin?  Oh heck no!  I do not care for what it does to me.  I am flighty(more so than normal) and it rips my stomach up.   

Do I crave more than one of those pills during the day?  Oh yes.  I crave that happy floaty feeling.  It is the same one that I get from alcohol.  It takes me to a happy place where there is no pain and unicorns fart rainbows.  9 years ago, I would have willing took those pills and craved every minute of their rapture.  That was 9 years ago.  A lifetime.  That was when Tom and I were on the rocks.  That was before I had a daughter that makes my heart soar.  It was before I had a son that reminds me to smile and laugh.  That was before I really clued into what an amazing man I married.  It was before I clued into what marriage meant.  It was when I was still lost and struggling.  The pills would have made me the fun party girl.  It was the place that people liked me because I was fun.  It was before that time Tom and I were going to file for divorce.  It was a lifetime ago.

So, I did take the Vicodin at night when my mouth hurt so bad I was in tears.  I felt guilty with every pill I took.  I cried everytime I took the Vicodin.  I crawled into bed and wished the urges to disappear.  I crawled into bed feeling like the scum of the earth.  Tom found me in the kitchen having a stare down with the Vicodin bottle on night.  He said nothing.  He just gave me a hug.  A big hug.  He knew my inner turmoil.  He then said to me, "You're not that scared girl anymore.  You are a mom, wife, and strong woman.  That pill isn't going to win.  Take it so you can get some sleep and not be in pain."  He was and is right.  I am not the scared girl anymore.  Now, I am a scared woman.  But, I wasn't going to let the damned Vicodin and happy floaty feeling define me any longer.  I just wished I had figured that out the first time I had the blasted surgery.