That little voice of hope.

Today was a great day!  It is now 11 p.m.  The kids are upstairs sound asleep.  Little Miss has a friend staying the night.  They were in bed before 9!!!  Tom went on the Men's Lenten retreat today in Anaconda.  He said he had a great time.  I am just filled with so much joy that he went and it lifted him spiritually!  Today the kidlets and I went to a baby shower for our dear friends Julie and Adam!  Julie is so stinkin' cute as a pregnant lady!

Tonight Tom and I were in the kitchen talking.  We were actually discussing faith and many other deep topics.  When I was little I was paranoid of doing bad things or misbehaving out of fear of diappointing people.  That fear carried with me until I was in my 20s.  He and I got talking about the awlward years for kids.  You know, the junior high years.  I do not have fond memories of junior high.  At this moment, the only memoires I can recall are sad and humiliating.  I was overweigt in junior high.  Heck, I still am overwight.  Anyhow, I was overweight, had glasses (still do),  was nerdy (still am), and was often told I was not the "right" religion.  I was very depressed through out junior high.  I was often shunned by my peers or made the butt of jokes.  But, through out it all, I remember having something that kept me going.  I wasn't sure what it was, but now I am sure it was the grace of God. I was relaying this all to Tom.  I can remember when I was in either sixth or seventh grade when that extra something seemed to no longer be there.  I had no hope and was sure no one would miss me if I was gone.  So, I tried to commit suicide.  Obviously it didn't work.  Obviously I wasn't all that comitted to the effort (Thank God!).  It was a cry for help.  No one heard the cry.  My parents were mad and told me doing such things would mean I would go to hell.  I always felt so alone.  However, the extra something came back.  That voice that kept telling me to not give up, there were better things out there.

Due to this idiotic stunt in junior high, my parents were always (and I think still are) afraid that when the going gets tough I am going to bail.  That I am weak emotionally and mentally.  This was reinforced by a few other family members.  I never let them see the inner turmoil I went through in high school and the many times I contimplated that act again.  Still overweight, geeky, completely uncool, and the wrong releigion- I was was completey uncool and unpopular.  But in that status I found some very amazing friends.  Friends that gave me hope in life.  But, I also still felt that I was completely unworthy and unacceptable to be loved or cared for by someone of the opposite sex.  I dated very few guys.  Some of those that I dated thought I would be easy because I was the "wrong religion."  Guess they has never heard of Catholic guilt!

Now, I realize that the plan for me was not in Arco or with those that I dated or pined for in high school.  The plan for me was Tom.  Through Tom and his love I found myself and my beauty.  Through our life together, I found my faith again.  Through Tom, I celebrate the miracle of our children everyday.  In the Bible it says there is perfection in suffering, I see that now.  I thank God that I am in this chair right now, typing this blog, knowing my children and husband are sleeping peacefully.  I now know there is NO such thing are the "right" religion.  I am joyous that I am Catholic.  I am joyous that I am a geek.  I am joyous that I moved out of my hometown and state and found my own path!  I know the road ahead is going to be full of potholes, detours, and wrecks.  But, I am joyous that I get to make that journey with the people that are now in my life.  For, the will for God will not lead you where the grace of God cannot protect you.

I did not write this blog this evening to rehash old hurts or point fingers.  Those wound have long healed.  I am writing this for my own cathartic pruposes.  I am also writing this in joy.  Joy that I am ehre and loved by those whoe love me and for loving those that I love.  I am also writing this as a means to let myself forgive myself ofr those selfish acts so long ago. 

I leave you with a verse out of Psalms that has spoke to me strongly today.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”- Psalm 139:23-24