De Colores!!!!

De Colores!  De Colores! 

That greeting just seemed appropriate after today!  Today I attended a women's Crusillo retreat in Anaconda.  It was an amzing uplifting experience.  I have to think of it as the jump start to a tired battery.  Today I listened to inspriational talks, expereienced amazing fellowship, and had my cup filled till it is running over.  For those of you that may read this blog and do not know what Crusillo is, I will try to explain.  It is a three days cloistered retreat that is a spiritual washing of the feet by the Holy Spirit.  It is Jesus washing the feet of our souls as he did the apostles' feet at the last supper.  What an inspiring and humbling experience!  That was the explanation provided today.  How very fitting as we enter Holy Week!  It also helped revitalize my Catholic faith.

Last year I attened a Crusillo weekend.  I can't explain it.  There are no words to explain the weekend and the transformation it helped me uncover.  God decided it was time for me to attend an Crusillo.  Everything is in God's time, you see.  I was having a crisis of faith at that time.  Now, I was not doubting being a Christian.  I was not doubting the love Jesus exhibts for me daily.  No, you see, I was questioning on whether or not I wished to remain a Catholic.  I am a cradle Catholic.  I was born and raised Catholic.  I did what was expected of me because it was expected of me.  I was confirmed because it was expected of me.  I married in the Catholic church and a Catholic boy because it was expected of me.  Yet, I never knew why. 

For many year before and after being married, we only atended church on Christmas.  We weren't even Easter-Christmas Catholics.  Just Christmas, because that was the fun one.  Then, Tom and I became more involved in Engaged Encounters.  But, I was still empty.  We began attending Mass on a regular basis.  Again, I was still empty.  I was still only Catholic because that was all I knew.  Shortly after Aidan was born, I began attending a woman's weekly Bible study.  That filled me to the top.  Through the blessing og Kellie and Mie, I had found most of what I was looking for.  I was full and happy.  I had rediscovered Jesus and his love.  I had rediscovered the "special something" that I had been ignoring.  Yet, I was still not quite satisfied.

So, last September, I attended a Crusillo weekend.  There I found my answer.  I found my Catholic faith that I had buried.  I had buried my faith because I felt unworthy.  I have misdeeds in my past that made me feel unworthy of the love being offered to me by God.  How could he love and accept a sinner like me?  How could he be calling me with the ugliness and bitterness that I kept a firm grasp upon?  How could I be worthy of all this when I could not forgive things from my past?  How could He want me when I had failed so many times?  Then, I head some talks from some amazing women.  There were a couple of women at that weekend that got through to me. Who was I to not forgive what He had already forgiven?  Jesus did not call the pious, he called to the sinners.  God has called upon the lowly and sinful time after time to some back to his path and do great things.  I can't tell you what my answer was that I found.  You see, I can not put it into words.  It is a quiet voice that guides me.  It is a light that I try to keep lit for others to see to come to the path.  It is teh desire to cry tears of sorrow and joy everytime I look up a representation of Jesus on the cross.

Am I perfect?  Oh, not by a long shot.  I have a LONG way to go to be even close to the Christian I am called to be.  I am brash and bull headed.  I leap before I look.  I can be spiteful and hateful.  I often do not hold my tongue when I should.  I am flawed and sinful.  Thankfully, God gives me another day to keep trying.  That is all I can do, is keep trying.  I will stumble, I will fall.  But, I will not be moved. 

So, that is part of my Crusillo story.  It helped me rmember what it meant to be of the Catholic faith.  I helped me find my Catholic community.  I am so blessed to be in this community.  Through Crusillo and Engaged Encounters, I have found my ministry.  Now, I can just hope that the light that I shine is seen by all.  I pray that I may be a witness to those who need it.  Most of all I pray that I can die to myself and live through Christ.  That I can say goodbye self.

"I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."  Psalm 9: 1-2