Lately I have been posting on Facebook what I am calling "Life in Three Year Old Boy Land!" It is often quotes or something that Connor (aka Bubba or Mac) comes up with. I thought that maybe I would share some of those things on here:
08/23/10: Today's quote from "Three Year Old Boy Land" came at dinner tonight. "Mom, my ice cubes are little-ing. I need new ones." Today's quote was brought to you by the ice cube maker and sun tea :)
08/22/10: Today's quote from "Three Year Old Boy Land," is "Mom, can I tickle your teeth?" Today's quote is brought to you by your dentist and Crest Pro Health.
08/19/10: Today's quote from "Three Year Old Boy Land" is "I am not Connor! I am Big Boy that is Three!" Personally, I will just keep calling him Connor, the other name is to hard to yell. Today's name change has been brough to you by A Big Boy That is Three!
08/16/10: The word of the day from "Three Year Old Boy Land" is "hooker." As in "Daddy has a hooker on his four leeler(yes leeler). It pulls the camp trailer." Todays word was brought to you by Tow Balls, Camp Trailers, and a giggling mommy drinking her coffee.
08/14/10: Todays life lesson in "Three Year Old Boy Land": Remote Control trucks inside make Mom wonder WTF Dad was thinking by letting him play with it inside. Today's lesson brought to you by Advil and Dove Dark Chocolate :)
08/13/10: When things are advertised as "indestructable," you know it is a lie. If they want things to be truly indestructable it need to be advertised as "3-year old boy proof, proven to survive a little boy's TLC."
I don't know how many people read this blog, so some of my readers may not know that I have only one sister and was not raised around little boys. Connor is an adventure for me. I never know what to expect from him. Aidan is also an adventure for me. This past week I realized that this is the best adventure I have EVER been on. I am blessed to see my children growing up. I have also come to realize, that throught them God answers most of my prayers. If I pray for patience, God gives me ample opportunity to practice patience. If I pray for wisdom, Aidan will want to stay up late talking tp me about things I would never have thought to cross her mind. These discussions make me stop and think. They also give me insight into the depth of my daughter. I am not ashamed to say how proud I am to be her mother. When I pray for guidance, I had to guide Aidan through an emotionally painful moment. I cried with her during that time. I cried because it was something that I remember going through and if I could, I would shelter her from it. I cried because of her strength. When I pray for God to give me time to stop and smell the roses, Connor is not easily motivated and I have to slow down and stop and watch the ant crawl across the patio with him.
So, my adventures with my children have included rediscovering the wonder of everything, mooing at cows, running through the sprinkler, and sometimes just sitting and hugging and giggling. My adventures are not grand adventures. However, they are the best ones I have experienced. Tonight Aidan and I made muffins and sat on the floor and watched them bake. I prayed for God to give me a slow down so I could catch my breath. Tonight he gave me muffin time. Today I prayed for a giggle. Tonight he game me little-ing ice cubes. Today I prayed for my son to continue to be like his father. Tonight Connor told me he loved meatloaf. Today I prayed for strength for Aidan as we start school and dance. Tonight we got her ears pierced and she did not even flinch. My simple prayer for a slow down today gave me a chance to see that God is answering my smallest of prayers. Even if he is aying "No," or "Not at this time." So, tonight I go to bed with a thankful heart.
A happy heart makes the face cheerful,
but heartache crushes the spirit.
The discerning heart seeks knowledge,
but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly.
All the days of the oppressed are wretched,
but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.
Proverbs 15: 13-15 (NIV)
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Comfortably Numb
Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home?
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown the dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb
There was a point in time that I prayed to be numb. Numb to my inner struggles. Numb to the world. Numb to my husband. Numb to turmoil. Numb to pain. Numb to my "negative" feelings. You know what they say, be careful what you pray for. I did become numb. Numb to happiness. Numb to my inner struggle. Numb to love. Numb to God. Just plain numb. During that time, I often drank myself numb. Emotionally I shutdown. I was a shell. Just going through the motions. I still can't pinpoint the moment that I realized that I didn't want to be numb anymore.
I am no longer numb. Tonight I realized that I never want to be numb again. If it hurts, then I need to feel all the raw pain (emotional or physical). I need those up and downs to define me. When you are numb, there is no color to be seen and no laughter to be heard. There is no spice in life. There is no joy and love in that gray fog.
I do know my children and husband drive away any lingering desire to be numb. As I weather the storm that is life, I want to feel the cold hard rain and the blistering sun. I know that in all of that I will find my true purpose. I can continue to dream a new dream. So, I am no longer comfortably numb and I am thankful for that.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home?
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown the dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb
There was a point in time that I prayed to be numb. Numb to my inner struggles. Numb to the world. Numb to my husband. Numb to turmoil. Numb to pain. Numb to my "negative" feelings. You know what they say, be careful what you pray for. I did become numb. Numb to happiness. Numb to my inner struggle. Numb to love. Numb to God. Just plain numb. During that time, I often drank myself numb. Emotionally I shutdown. I was a shell. Just going through the motions. I still can't pinpoint the moment that I realized that I didn't want to be numb anymore.
I am no longer numb. Tonight I realized that I never want to be numb again. If it hurts, then I need to feel all the raw pain (emotional or physical). I need those up and downs to define me. When you are numb, there is no color to be seen and no laughter to be heard. There is no spice in life. There is no joy and love in that gray fog.
I do know my children and husband drive away any lingering desire to be numb. As I weather the storm that is life, I want to feel the cold hard rain and the blistering sun. I know that in all of that I will find my true purpose. I can continue to dream a new dream. So, I am no longer comfortably numb and I am thankful for that.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
De Colores!!!!
De Colores! De Colores!
That greeting just seemed appropriate after today! Today I attended a women's Crusillo retreat in Anaconda. It was an amzing uplifting experience. I have to think of it as the jump start to a tired battery. Today I listened to inspriational talks, expereienced amazing fellowship, and had my cup filled till it is running over. For those of you that may read this blog and do not know what Crusillo is, I will try to explain. It is a three days cloistered retreat that is a spiritual washing of the feet by the Holy Spirit. It is Jesus washing the feet of our souls as he did the apostles' feet at the last supper. What an inspiring and humbling experience! That was the explanation provided today. How very fitting as we enter Holy Week! It also helped revitalize my Catholic faith.
Last year I attened a Crusillo weekend. I can't explain it. There are no words to explain the weekend and the transformation it helped me uncover. God decided it was time for me to attend an Crusillo. Everything is in God's time, you see. I was having a crisis of faith at that time. Now, I was not doubting being a Christian. I was not doubting the love Jesus exhibts for me daily. No, you see, I was questioning on whether or not I wished to remain a Catholic. I am a cradle Catholic. I was born and raised Catholic. I did what was expected of me because it was expected of me. I was confirmed because it was expected of me. I married in the Catholic church and a Catholic boy because it was expected of me. Yet, I never knew why.
For many year before and after being married, we only atended church on Christmas. We weren't even Easter-Christmas Catholics. Just Christmas, because that was the fun one. Then, Tom and I became more involved in Engaged Encounters. But, I was still empty. We began attending Mass on a regular basis. Again, I was still empty. I was still only Catholic because that was all I knew. Shortly after Aidan was born, I began attending a woman's weekly Bible study. That filled me to the top. Through the blessing og Kellie and Mie, I had found most of what I was looking for. I was full and happy. I had rediscovered Jesus and his love. I had rediscovered the "special something" that I had been ignoring. Yet, I was still not quite satisfied.
So, last September, I attended a Crusillo weekend. There I found my answer. I found my Catholic faith that I had buried. I had buried my faith because I felt unworthy. I have misdeeds in my past that made me feel unworthy of the love being offered to me by God. How could he love and accept a sinner like me? How could he be calling me with the ugliness and bitterness that I kept a firm grasp upon? How could I be worthy of all this when I could not forgive things from my past? How could He want me when I had failed so many times? Then, I head some talks from some amazing women. There were a couple of women at that weekend that got through to me. Who was I to not forgive what He had already forgiven? Jesus did not call the pious, he called to the sinners. God has called upon the lowly and sinful time after time to some back to his path and do great things. I can't tell you what my answer was that I found. You see, I can not put it into words. It is a quiet voice that guides me. It is a light that I try to keep lit for others to see to come to the path. It is teh desire to cry tears of sorrow and joy everytime I look up a representation of Jesus on the cross.
Am I perfect? Oh, not by a long shot. I have a LONG way to go to be even close to the Christian I am called to be. I am brash and bull headed. I leap before I look. I can be spiteful and hateful. I often do not hold my tongue when I should. I am flawed and sinful. Thankfully, God gives me another day to keep trying. That is all I can do, is keep trying. I will stumble, I will fall. But, I will not be moved.
So, that is part of my Crusillo story. It helped me rmember what it meant to be of the Catholic faith. I helped me find my Catholic community. I am so blessed to be in this community. Through Crusillo and Engaged Encounters, I have found my ministry. Now, I can just hope that the light that I shine is seen by all. I pray that I may be a witness to those who need it. Most of all I pray that I can die to myself and live through Christ. That I can say goodbye self.
"I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9: 1-2
That greeting just seemed appropriate after today! Today I attended a women's Crusillo retreat in Anaconda. It was an amzing uplifting experience. I have to think of it as the jump start to a tired battery. Today I listened to inspriational talks, expereienced amazing fellowship, and had my cup filled till it is running over. For those of you that may read this blog and do not know what Crusillo is, I will try to explain. It is a three days cloistered retreat that is a spiritual washing of the feet by the Holy Spirit. It is Jesus washing the feet of our souls as he did the apostles' feet at the last supper. What an inspiring and humbling experience! That was the explanation provided today. How very fitting as we enter Holy Week! It also helped revitalize my Catholic faith.
Last year I attened a Crusillo weekend. I can't explain it. There are no words to explain the weekend and the transformation it helped me uncover. God decided it was time for me to attend an Crusillo. Everything is in God's time, you see. I was having a crisis of faith at that time. Now, I was not doubting being a Christian. I was not doubting the love Jesus exhibts for me daily. No, you see, I was questioning on whether or not I wished to remain a Catholic. I am a cradle Catholic. I was born and raised Catholic. I did what was expected of me because it was expected of me. I was confirmed because it was expected of me. I married in the Catholic church and a Catholic boy because it was expected of me. Yet, I never knew why.
For many year before and after being married, we only atended church on Christmas. We weren't even Easter-Christmas Catholics. Just Christmas, because that was the fun one. Then, Tom and I became more involved in Engaged Encounters. But, I was still empty. We began attending Mass on a regular basis. Again, I was still empty. I was still only Catholic because that was all I knew. Shortly after Aidan was born, I began attending a woman's weekly Bible study. That filled me to the top. Through the blessing og Kellie and Mie, I had found most of what I was looking for. I was full and happy. I had rediscovered Jesus and his love. I had rediscovered the "special something" that I had been ignoring. Yet, I was still not quite satisfied.
So, last September, I attended a Crusillo weekend. There I found my answer. I found my Catholic faith that I had buried. I had buried my faith because I felt unworthy. I have misdeeds in my past that made me feel unworthy of the love being offered to me by God. How could he love and accept a sinner like me? How could he be calling me with the ugliness and bitterness that I kept a firm grasp upon? How could I be worthy of all this when I could not forgive things from my past? How could He want me when I had failed so many times? Then, I head some talks from some amazing women. There were a couple of women at that weekend that got through to me. Who was I to not forgive what He had already forgiven? Jesus did not call the pious, he called to the sinners. God has called upon the lowly and sinful time after time to some back to his path and do great things. I can't tell you what my answer was that I found. You see, I can not put it into words. It is a quiet voice that guides me. It is a light that I try to keep lit for others to see to come to the path. It is teh desire to cry tears of sorrow and joy everytime I look up a representation of Jesus on the cross.
Am I perfect? Oh, not by a long shot. I have a LONG way to go to be even close to the Christian I am called to be. I am brash and bull headed. I leap before I look. I can be spiteful and hateful. I often do not hold my tongue when I should. I am flawed and sinful. Thankfully, God gives me another day to keep trying. That is all I can do, is keep trying. I will stumble, I will fall. But, I will not be moved.
So, that is part of my Crusillo story. It helped me rmember what it meant to be of the Catholic faith. I helped me find my Catholic community. I am so blessed to be in this community. Through Crusillo and Engaged Encounters, I have found my ministry. Now, I can just hope that the light that I shine is seen by all. I pray that I may be a witness to those who need it. Most of all I pray that I can die to myself and live through Christ. That I can say goodbye self.
"I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9: 1-2
Saturday, March 6, 2010
That little voice of hope.
Today was a great day! It is now 11 p.m. The kids are upstairs sound asleep. Little Miss has a friend staying the night. They were in bed before 9!!! Tom went on the Men's Lenten retreat today in Anaconda. He said he had a great time. I am just filled with so much joy that he went and it lifted him spiritually! Today the kidlets and I went to a baby shower for our dear friends Julie and Adam! Julie is so stinkin' cute as a pregnant lady!
Tonight Tom and I were in the kitchen talking. We were actually discussing faith and many other deep topics. When I was little I was paranoid of doing bad things or misbehaving out of fear of diappointing people. That fear carried with me until I was in my 20s. He and I got talking about the awlward years for kids. You know, the junior high years. I do not have fond memories of junior high. At this moment, the only memoires I can recall are sad and humiliating. I was overweigt in junior high. Heck, I still am overwight. Anyhow, I was overweight, had glasses (still do), was nerdy (still am), and was often told I was not the "right" religion. I was very depressed through out junior high. I was often shunned by my peers or made the butt of jokes. But, through out it all, I remember having something that kept me going. I wasn't sure what it was, but now I am sure it was the grace of God. I was relaying this all to Tom. I can remember when I was in either sixth or seventh grade when that extra something seemed to no longer be there. I had no hope and was sure no one would miss me if I was gone. So, I tried to commit suicide. Obviously it didn't work. Obviously I wasn't all that comitted to the effort (Thank God!). It was a cry for help. No one heard the cry. My parents were mad and told me doing such things would mean I would go to hell. I always felt so alone. However, the extra something came back. That voice that kept telling me to not give up, there were better things out there.
Due to this idiotic stunt in junior high, my parents were always (and I think still are) afraid that when the going gets tough I am going to bail. That I am weak emotionally and mentally. This was reinforced by a few other family members. I never let them see the inner turmoil I went through in high school and the many times I contimplated that act again. Still overweight, geeky, completely uncool, and the wrong releigion- I was was completey uncool and unpopular. But in that status I found some very amazing friends. Friends that gave me hope in life. But, I also still felt that I was completely unworthy and unacceptable to be loved or cared for by someone of the opposite sex. I dated very few guys. Some of those that I dated thought I would be easy because I was the "wrong religion." Guess they has never heard of Catholic guilt!
Now, I realize that the plan for me was not in Arco or with those that I dated or pined for in high school. The plan for me was Tom. Through Tom and his love I found myself and my beauty. Through our life together, I found my faith again. Through Tom, I celebrate the miracle of our children everyday. In the Bible it says there is perfection in suffering, I see that now. I thank God that I am in this chair right now, typing this blog, knowing my children and husband are sleeping peacefully. I now know there is NO such thing are the "right" religion. I am joyous that I am Catholic. I am joyous that I am a geek. I am joyous that I moved out of my hometown and state and found my own path! I know the road ahead is going to be full of potholes, detours, and wrecks. But, I am joyous that I get to make that journey with the people that are now in my life. For, the will for God will not lead you where the grace of God cannot protect you.
I did not write this blog this evening to rehash old hurts or point fingers. Those wound have long healed. I am writing this for my own cathartic pruposes. I am also writing this in joy. Joy that I am ehre and loved by those whoe love me and for loving those that I love. I am also writing this as a means to let myself forgive myself ofr those selfish acts so long ago.
I leave you with a verse out of Psalms that has spoke to me strongly today.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”- Psalm 139:23-24
Tonight Tom and I were in the kitchen talking. We were actually discussing faith and many other deep topics. When I was little I was paranoid of doing bad things or misbehaving out of fear of diappointing people. That fear carried with me until I was in my 20s. He and I got talking about the awlward years for kids. You know, the junior high years. I do not have fond memories of junior high. At this moment, the only memoires I can recall are sad and humiliating. I was overweigt in junior high. Heck, I still am overwight. Anyhow, I was overweight, had glasses (still do), was nerdy (still am), and was often told I was not the "right" religion. I was very depressed through out junior high. I was often shunned by my peers or made the butt of jokes. But, through out it all, I remember having something that kept me going. I wasn't sure what it was, but now I am sure it was the grace of God. I was relaying this all to Tom. I can remember when I was in either sixth or seventh grade when that extra something seemed to no longer be there. I had no hope and was sure no one would miss me if I was gone. So, I tried to commit suicide. Obviously it didn't work. Obviously I wasn't all that comitted to the effort (Thank God!). It was a cry for help. No one heard the cry. My parents were mad and told me doing such things would mean I would go to hell. I always felt so alone. However, the extra something came back. That voice that kept telling me to not give up, there were better things out there.
Due to this idiotic stunt in junior high, my parents were always (and I think still are) afraid that when the going gets tough I am going to bail. That I am weak emotionally and mentally. This was reinforced by a few other family members. I never let them see the inner turmoil I went through in high school and the many times I contimplated that act again. Still overweight, geeky, completely uncool, and the wrong releigion- I was was completey uncool and unpopular. But in that status I found some very amazing friends. Friends that gave me hope in life. But, I also still felt that I was completely unworthy and unacceptable to be loved or cared for by someone of the opposite sex. I dated very few guys. Some of those that I dated thought I would be easy because I was the "wrong religion." Guess they has never heard of Catholic guilt!
Now, I realize that the plan for me was not in Arco or with those that I dated or pined for in high school. The plan for me was Tom. Through Tom and his love I found myself and my beauty. Through our life together, I found my faith again. Through Tom, I celebrate the miracle of our children everyday. In the Bible it says there is perfection in suffering, I see that now. I thank God that I am in this chair right now, typing this blog, knowing my children and husband are sleeping peacefully. I now know there is NO such thing are the "right" religion. I am joyous that I am Catholic. I am joyous that I am a geek. I am joyous that I moved out of my hometown and state and found my own path! I know the road ahead is going to be full of potholes, detours, and wrecks. But, I am joyous that I get to make that journey with the people that are now in my life. For, the will for God will not lead you where the grace of God cannot protect you.
I did not write this blog this evening to rehash old hurts or point fingers. Those wound have long healed. I am writing this for my own cathartic pruposes. I am also writing this in joy. Joy that I am ehre and loved by those whoe love me and for loving those that I love. I am also writing this as a means to let myself forgive myself ofr those selfish acts so long ago.
I leave you with a verse out of Psalms that has spoke to me strongly today.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”- Psalm 139:23-24
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Ash Wednesday
I just wanted to take a moment and wish all a Blessed Ash Wednesday! The family and I will be attending the 6 p.m. mass. I often wonder why my father did not make us attend mass on Holy days. It may have to do with the fact my sister and I were rotten about attending church. We belly ached and whined with the best of them. I also think it was because he and my mother are from different denominations.
I had forgotten that I had started this blog area over a year ago. I am going to try to give it a go with weekly updates. Daily is impossible. Weekly updates is hopeful.
This weekend is the Spring Engaged Encounters weekend in Butte. Tom and I will be running the kitchen. What I mean here, is that I will be running the kitchen and barking orders at Tom. Tom, in his wisdom, will do as I instruct and remind me that I volunteered for this. I am thankful for my husband.
Well, I will try to write more tomorrow. God Bless.
Galatians 5:22-23 (New International Version)
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
I had forgotten that I had started this blog area over a year ago. I am going to try to give it a go with weekly updates. Daily is impossible. Weekly updates is hopeful.
This weekend is the Spring Engaged Encounters weekend in Butte. Tom and I will be running the kitchen. What I mean here, is that I will be running the kitchen and barking orders at Tom. Tom, in his wisdom, will do as I instruct and remind me that I volunteered for this. I am thankful for my husband.
Well, I will try to write more tomorrow. God Bless.
Galatians 5:22-23 (New International Version)
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
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