De Colores! De Colores!
That greeting just seemed appropriate after today! Today I attended a women's Crusillo retreat in Anaconda. It was an amzing uplifting experience. I have to think of it as the jump start to a tired battery. Today I listened to inspriational talks, expereienced amazing fellowship, and had my cup filled till it is running over. For those of you that may read this blog and do not know what Crusillo is, I will try to explain. It is a three days cloistered retreat that is a spiritual washing of the feet by the Holy Spirit. It is Jesus washing the feet of our souls as he did the apostles' feet at the last supper. What an inspiring and humbling experience! That was the explanation provided today. How very fitting as we enter Holy Week! It also helped revitalize my Catholic faith.
Last year I attened a Crusillo weekend. I can't explain it. There are no words to explain the weekend and the transformation it helped me uncover. God decided it was time for me to attend an Crusillo. Everything is in God's time, you see. I was having a crisis of faith at that time. Now, I was not doubting being a Christian. I was not doubting the love Jesus exhibts for me daily. No, you see, I was questioning on whether or not I wished to remain a Catholic. I am a cradle Catholic. I was born and raised Catholic. I did what was expected of me because it was expected of me. I was confirmed because it was expected of me. I married in the Catholic church and a Catholic boy because it was expected of me. Yet, I never knew why.
For many year before and after being married, we only atended church on Christmas. We weren't even Easter-Christmas Catholics. Just Christmas, because that was the fun one. Then, Tom and I became more involved in Engaged Encounters. But, I was still empty. We began attending Mass on a regular basis. Again, I was still empty. I was still only Catholic because that was all I knew. Shortly after Aidan was born, I began attending a woman's weekly Bible study. That filled me to the top. Through the blessing og Kellie and Mie, I had found most of what I was looking for. I was full and happy. I had rediscovered Jesus and his love. I had rediscovered the "special something" that I had been ignoring. Yet, I was still not quite satisfied.
So, last September, I attended a Crusillo weekend. There I found my answer. I found my Catholic faith that I had buried. I had buried my faith because I felt unworthy. I have misdeeds in my past that made me feel unworthy of the love being offered to me by God. How could he love and accept a sinner like me? How could he be calling me with the ugliness and bitterness that I kept a firm grasp upon? How could I be worthy of all this when I could not forgive things from my past? How could He want me when I had failed so many times? Then, I head some talks from some amazing women. There were a couple of women at that weekend that got through to me. Who was I to not forgive what He had already forgiven? Jesus did not call the pious, he called to the sinners. God has called upon the lowly and sinful time after time to some back to his path and do great things. I can't tell you what my answer was that I found. You see, I can not put it into words. It is a quiet voice that guides me. It is a light that I try to keep lit for others to see to come to the path. It is teh desire to cry tears of sorrow and joy everytime I look up a representation of Jesus on the cross.
Am I perfect? Oh, not by a long shot. I have a LONG way to go to be even close to the Christian I am called to be. I am brash and bull headed. I leap before I look. I can be spiteful and hateful. I often do not hold my tongue when I should. I am flawed and sinful. Thankfully, God gives me another day to keep trying. That is all I can do, is keep trying. I will stumble, I will fall. But, I will not be moved.
So, that is part of my Crusillo story. It helped me rmember what it meant to be of the Catholic faith. I helped me find my Catholic community. I am so blessed to be in this community. Through Crusillo and Engaged Encounters, I have found my ministry. Now, I can just hope that the light that I shine is seen by all. I pray that I may be a witness to those who need it. Most of all I pray that I can die to myself and live through Christ. That I can say goodbye self.
"I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High." Psalm 9: 1-2
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
That little voice of hope.
Today was a great day! It is now 11 p.m. The kids are upstairs sound asleep. Little Miss has a friend staying the night. They were in bed before 9!!! Tom went on the Men's Lenten retreat today in Anaconda. He said he had a great time. I am just filled with so much joy that he went and it lifted him spiritually! Today the kidlets and I went to a baby shower for our dear friends Julie and Adam! Julie is so stinkin' cute as a pregnant lady!
Tonight Tom and I were in the kitchen talking. We were actually discussing faith and many other deep topics. When I was little I was paranoid of doing bad things or misbehaving out of fear of diappointing people. That fear carried with me until I was in my 20s. He and I got talking about the awlward years for kids. You know, the junior high years. I do not have fond memories of junior high. At this moment, the only memoires I can recall are sad and humiliating. I was overweigt in junior high. Heck, I still am overwight. Anyhow, I was overweight, had glasses (still do), was nerdy (still am), and was often told I was not the "right" religion. I was very depressed through out junior high. I was often shunned by my peers or made the butt of jokes. But, through out it all, I remember having something that kept me going. I wasn't sure what it was, but now I am sure it was the grace of God. I was relaying this all to Tom. I can remember when I was in either sixth or seventh grade when that extra something seemed to no longer be there. I had no hope and was sure no one would miss me if I was gone. So, I tried to commit suicide. Obviously it didn't work. Obviously I wasn't all that comitted to the effort (Thank God!). It was a cry for help. No one heard the cry. My parents were mad and told me doing such things would mean I would go to hell. I always felt so alone. However, the extra something came back. That voice that kept telling me to not give up, there were better things out there.
Due to this idiotic stunt in junior high, my parents were always (and I think still are) afraid that when the going gets tough I am going to bail. That I am weak emotionally and mentally. This was reinforced by a few other family members. I never let them see the inner turmoil I went through in high school and the many times I contimplated that act again. Still overweight, geeky, completely uncool, and the wrong releigion- I was was completey uncool and unpopular. But in that status I found some very amazing friends. Friends that gave me hope in life. But, I also still felt that I was completely unworthy and unacceptable to be loved or cared for by someone of the opposite sex. I dated very few guys. Some of those that I dated thought I would be easy because I was the "wrong religion." Guess they has never heard of Catholic guilt!
Now, I realize that the plan for me was not in Arco or with those that I dated or pined for in high school. The plan for me was Tom. Through Tom and his love I found myself and my beauty. Through our life together, I found my faith again. Through Tom, I celebrate the miracle of our children everyday. In the Bible it says there is perfection in suffering, I see that now. I thank God that I am in this chair right now, typing this blog, knowing my children and husband are sleeping peacefully. I now know there is NO such thing are the "right" religion. I am joyous that I am Catholic. I am joyous that I am a geek. I am joyous that I moved out of my hometown and state and found my own path! I know the road ahead is going to be full of potholes, detours, and wrecks. But, I am joyous that I get to make that journey with the people that are now in my life. For, the will for God will not lead you where the grace of God cannot protect you.
I did not write this blog this evening to rehash old hurts or point fingers. Those wound have long healed. I am writing this for my own cathartic pruposes. I am also writing this in joy. Joy that I am ehre and loved by those whoe love me and for loving those that I love. I am also writing this as a means to let myself forgive myself ofr those selfish acts so long ago.
I leave you with a verse out of Psalms that has spoke to me strongly today.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”- Psalm 139:23-24
Tonight Tom and I were in the kitchen talking. We were actually discussing faith and many other deep topics. When I was little I was paranoid of doing bad things or misbehaving out of fear of diappointing people. That fear carried with me until I was in my 20s. He and I got talking about the awlward years for kids. You know, the junior high years. I do not have fond memories of junior high. At this moment, the only memoires I can recall are sad and humiliating. I was overweigt in junior high. Heck, I still am overwight. Anyhow, I was overweight, had glasses (still do), was nerdy (still am), and was often told I was not the "right" religion. I was very depressed through out junior high. I was often shunned by my peers or made the butt of jokes. But, through out it all, I remember having something that kept me going. I wasn't sure what it was, but now I am sure it was the grace of God. I was relaying this all to Tom. I can remember when I was in either sixth or seventh grade when that extra something seemed to no longer be there. I had no hope and was sure no one would miss me if I was gone. So, I tried to commit suicide. Obviously it didn't work. Obviously I wasn't all that comitted to the effort (Thank God!). It was a cry for help. No one heard the cry. My parents were mad and told me doing such things would mean I would go to hell. I always felt so alone. However, the extra something came back. That voice that kept telling me to not give up, there were better things out there.
Due to this idiotic stunt in junior high, my parents were always (and I think still are) afraid that when the going gets tough I am going to bail. That I am weak emotionally and mentally. This was reinforced by a few other family members. I never let them see the inner turmoil I went through in high school and the many times I contimplated that act again. Still overweight, geeky, completely uncool, and the wrong releigion- I was was completey uncool and unpopular. But in that status I found some very amazing friends. Friends that gave me hope in life. But, I also still felt that I was completely unworthy and unacceptable to be loved or cared for by someone of the opposite sex. I dated very few guys. Some of those that I dated thought I would be easy because I was the "wrong religion." Guess they has never heard of Catholic guilt!
Now, I realize that the plan for me was not in Arco or with those that I dated or pined for in high school. The plan for me was Tom. Through Tom and his love I found myself and my beauty. Through our life together, I found my faith again. Through Tom, I celebrate the miracle of our children everyday. In the Bible it says there is perfection in suffering, I see that now. I thank God that I am in this chair right now, typing this blog, knowing my children and husband are sleeping peacefully. I now know there is NO such thing are the "right" religion. I am joyous that I am Catholic. I am joyous that I am a geek. I am joyous that I moved out of my hometown and state and found my own path! I know the road ahead is going to be full of potholes, detours, and wrecks. But, I am joyous that I get to make that journey with the people that are now in my life. For, the will for God will not lead you where the grace of God cannot protect you.
I did not write this blog this evening to rehash old hurts or point fingers. Those wound have long healed. I am writing this for my own cathartic pruposes. I am also writing this in joy. Joy that I am ehre and loved by those whoe love me and for loving those that I love. I am also writing this as a means to let myself forgive myself ofr those selfish acts so long ago.
I leave you with a verse out of Psalms that has spoke to me strongly today.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”- Psalm 139:23-24
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)